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vampirate_23
06 December 2010 @ 09:10 pm
I came to my boyfriend's house a few days ago. He said there was something with my name on it. Some garbage bag or something. As soon as he said that, I knew what it was about. When I came over I looked in the corner and saw it: the bag of my things that I had left at Tasha's last year. I didn't know she still had it. I don't know why she gave it back and didn't damage anything inside. She gave me back all the things I left, among other things: a skirt I gave her. Fan girl posters. Photos of me. Notes we used to write each other. I don't know what happened to the rest. I don't know why she waited until now. I don't want to know. It doesn't matter anymore.

That letter I wrote her, the one I wanted to give her, the one I changed and re-wrote over and over again... well, I can't give it to her anymore. I sent her a message saying thank you and goodbye. I wanted to give her more, but I can't now. Tasha giving me back this bag represents what I've known all along but never wanted to admit to myself.

That after 10 years, Tasha, my best friend since 5th grade and my sister at heart, has forgotten me. She doesn't care about me anymore and while I can't be certain, I can take a good guess and assume that everything else she has of me is thrown away. She's going to go on with her life and pretend that I never existed. When people ask her about the things she did when she was young, what her life was like, she'll make it a point to make sure I'm not mentioned. I'm going to become a ghost- a meaningless shadow.

So that's what I need to do. Become a ghost. I have to lock away all my memories of her. They're some of my favorite ones, but I can't look back on smile on them anymore. If I do I'm going to fall apart again. All because I'm nothing but a failure; and a cursed one at that. I ruin everything and make the stupidest of mistakes to the people I love and to myself.

Despite my willingness to let her go and finally leave her alone to forget me, I won't be fixed. Having a pain like this is something that never heals and isn't something anyone understands unless they've been through it. Maybe someday I'll forget about her completely like she has. But the pain will still be there. That constant ache because I failed her.

So I lost one of the best people in my life. The one I loved the most. But I hope she's happy. I hope she continues to love and be loved. She deserves it after everything she's been through. Leaving me is probably one of the smartest choices she'll ever make and I hold no grudge against her for it. I'm not going to talk about her anymore. Not going to wonder how she is or what she's doing or if during all of this she ever missed me. I can't afford to care. I refuse.

And that's it. This was the end. There is nothing more to say.
 
 
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: The Sun's Gone Dim and the Sky's Turned Black- Johann Johannsson
 
 
vampirate_23
07 November 2010 @ 05:13 am
It's my best friend's birthday today. Well, ex-best friend I guess you could say, It's been almost 11 months since we've spoken. 7 since last I heard from her. Every moment has been agony, especially when I learned the pain was not going to go away. I miss her every single moment of every single day. I've long dreamed of the day when I could finally celebrate her birthday with her again. Make her happy. See her smile. That day was today. And I'm not there. Instead, I'm at home alone, unable to sleep or eat. This is all I can do to stop crying and pass the time because I know that I'm only going to start crying again.

I wrote her a letter today. I don't really know why I did. We used to write each other all the time- the definition of pen pals when our lives weren't getting in the way of one another. I intend to drop this letter off in her mailbox, personally, the next time I'm in Hamilton. This will probably be one of the stupider things I do in my life, though now that I've lived my worst fear- hurting a person I loved- the thought doesn't really bother me anymore.

Before I put this letter in her mailbox, I want to type it out. This way, I will remember what I said. So here we go...



Dear Tasha,

Haven't done this in a while. Don't know why I'm doing it now. Maybe it's because today you're turning 21. You must be excited, now that you can drink anywhere you want and party in Vegas (which is an awesome city by the way- I went there a couple months ago and had Tequila in a drink for the first time. Yes, I've been drinking more :P).

I wish I could have been with you today, and every day I wasn't, I regret. It's now 3:08AM and I am wide awake. I knew I would be when I was up about 16 hours ago. I know I'll be awake at least another 21 hours. I wanted to celebrate your birthday with you for the longest time. But instead, I was at home alone. I made sure my boyfriend wouldn't be here with me. I didn't want anyone with me today. 

I've been, and will continue, to read your old letters and notes (yes, I still have them all because I'm a crazy pack rat) and will look at old photos of you. Might sound like I'm being a creeper, but there was nothing else I wanted to do today. Couldn't motivate myself for anything. 

Going through your letters and notes made me understand that I wasn't the friend you deserved. I should have listened to you more. Should have been there when you needed me. But I wasn't, was I? I'm not smart. I don't work properly.

You used to tell me not to bottle myself up. Not to hide my emotions or keep things locked away from you. I didn't listen. I don't know why exactly- I didn't want you to get hurt by something stupid that I was thinking or feeling. I thought I was stronger than I was. Looking back now, I wish I could change that. I should have been more open with you so you could be more open with me. But I wasn't. I shut down when people were getting close. It's worse now, especially when you come up. I close down. Try not to feel anything or let anyone in. Not even my boyfriend, who cares about me too much. I don't trust anyone. I can't bring myself to.

I don't know if you're still reading, but I hope you are, cause I am going somewhere with this... right now actually.

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. Letting you down was the stupidest thing I've ever done and one of the worst mistakes I've ever made. I cannot and will not forgive myself for it. I was selfish. I was blind. I was insensitive. I was distant. I was arrogant. I was stupid. I was all of that and more, creating one huge failure. You have every right to be angry and hating me. You've been through so much in your life, experienced things, pains that I will never be able to understand. You deserve a friend who will be there for you whenever you need and do the things I never could.

All the agony I've been feeling since you've been gone has been nothing less of what I deserve. Supposedly if you let it out, you feel better. I think you and I both know that isn't true. During the first few months I thought I had begun to get over you. Oh how wrong I was. As time's gone on, it's only been getting worse. And I know it won't get better. It can't. Nothing that hurts this bad and makes me cry so hard I shake will get better. I can't listen to "Snuff- Slipknot" without breaking down.

Like I said at the start, I don't know why I'm writing this, but you always told me not to hide myself away. I can only be open with about 2-3 people anymore. I would like to be open with you again. I have things that I need to tell you- some that I should have told you before, but clouded my judgement at the time. 

I want us to start again. To be friends again. I know it would be hard. It would take time. We would probably get into fights and disagree and not really understand at first. But you and I were best friends, near sisters as you always said, for almost 11 years. 11 years. Half our lives. I am not going to walk away from that. Not going to forget it. After you moved, you wrote to me once and said one day I would find a new best friend. In truth, I've gained more. I care about them and love them. But you are not replaceable. You are like no one I have ever met. I could list off the things that make you so wonderful and special and unique, but I know you probably want me to get to the point soon.

I always have (even now) loved everything about you. There is nothing about you I would want changed. Nothing. You won't believe me, but you are perfect. I know this because I know there is no one quite like you in the whole world. Never will be. Your flaws are part of your perfections because you try to rise above them. I was blessed to have you as my best friend. Honored. 

If you give me another chance, I would be the friend you deserve. A person who listens, loves, and is there for you all the time. I would make mistakes, but I wouldn't leave you or give up on you. I've never done that. I never will. Even now, I believe in you. I know that you will be a successful photographer. I know you will fall in love again. I know that though there will be days of rain, but when the sun comes out, it will be bright and shining and worth every second.

There is no undoing the past. I wish there was. I would do so many things differently to be a better friend to you. I don't know if I'll change. In my experience, people never change- we only see different sides of them. There's so much about you that I don't know, so much I want to know. But more than anything else in the world I want to see you happy.

If I could have one thing right now and for the rest of my life, it would be to become your friend again. I love you. I love you when you're happy. When you're sad. When you're angry. When you're nervous. When you're crazy. When you're clumsy. When you're smiling. When you're creative. I love you. You're an amazing person, Tasha. I've never had a reason to be angry or upset with you. Anything wrong or bad that happened between us, was my fault. You did nothing wrong. 

And having said that, I begin to draw to the close... That I know none of this may have affected you. I keep everything I have of you close to my heart, but I know you may have moved on. Thrown out any memory or item you had of me. Forgotten all about me. Cast me aside like a bad dream.

And I understand that. I don't blame you for it. I ruin everything or make things worse. Something's broken inside of me. People have told me otherwise but I know better. I was born to screw things up and wound in the end. If you throw this away, tear it up, burn it, I understand. I do. I've hurt you. I've failed you and ruined something you cared about: our friendship.

I'm so sorry.

These words I wrote, feelings, thoughts, whatever they are, they're out now. I don't want to keep dragging you down- it's your 21st birthday after all. I don't know what came over me. Must have been seeing your face in photos, pretending to hear your voice in letters. But I'm sorry I wasted your time. I'm sorry for everything I did wrong. I shouldn't have bothered with this. 

I wish you all the best in the future. Doubt I'll be in it, but that will be for your benefit, right?

I love you. I'll always miss you (if this is the end).

Goodbye,

Amy.

---------------------------------------------

That's the letter I intend to give her. I don't know if I'm making a mistake again- wait, of course I am. I just miss her so much... I would do anything to be her friend again. I'm even going to tell her the truth about Anthony if I meet her again. She deserves to know. But that's all I have the energy to type. I have photos to look at and another 20ish hours to stay awake and feel myself fall apart again. 
 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Snuff- Slipknot
 
 
vampirate_23
I've never been in love before. Never had that heartache that comes with it. Never had someone always on my mind, wondering if they were thinking about me, or what my life would be like with them. I've always been a dreamer, but never had those thoughts.

Until I fell in love with Anthony. I can't explain it other than it just happened. My feelings for him must have been suppressed while he was with Tasha, and then when they ended their relationship, my heart just gave in. I talked with him a few days later, and was shocked when he told me he loved me. I told him the same thing, and we kept what we had a secret. We flirted constantly and when I came down in January to see him and Tasha, when I was with him, I expressed my love for him physically. Every touch, every smile, every kiss, every moment was bliss. I didn't think I could have been happier. When I came back to Edmonton, he began warning me not to expect anything from him. I didn't think I could do that because Tasha had left me and I needed someone to love. We acted as friends, not as lovers, but when I came down in May we went through the intimacy all over again. I thought that was what he wanted, but after it happened, he became more distant, telling me that I should stop waiting for something to happen. I never wanted to give up on him, but my heart was starting to hurt. I was getting the feeling that he didn't love me anymore.

I had been hanging out with Jerrad, Anthony's younger brother, frequently since I moved. Jerrad has had a crush on me for a while, but first and foremost he always acted like a friend. He was over at my house one night and we got talking about Anthony and how because of his new job and new life, he seemed to be disregarding the people who loved him the longest. I was getting emotional and eventually I confessed that I loved Anthony. The funny part about this was that it was obvious, not only to Jerrad but to other members of his family as well. Then Jerrad did what any good friend would do. He told me the truth.

He told me that Anthony didn't love me, and never did the way I loved him. He said that I had helped him through his ordeal with Tasha, but I was hanging onto a false hope. It felt like another slap in the face. My heart had been crushed by Tasha, and this was only breaking the pieces more. But I couldn't stop loving Anthony. I was trying, but I couldn't bring myself to give up on him. Anthony was everything I ever wanted. Everything I dreamed about. He was my first true love. But it had been a lie.

I was in a very dark place for a long time. I had tried to say goodbye to Anthony after Jerrad's birthday (which added more to the dramatic situation since I had been drinking and his sister Jen convinced me to kiss Jerrad... twice...), but that had been a waste of time because I just saw him the next day. I said little to him and tried to ignore him, but it didn't work. I became the dark cloud of the group, saying little and looking down all the time. The only person who really knew something was wrong as far as I can tell was Jerrad. He knew this was killing me. I felt awful. I was still in love with Anthony, but I knew that Jerrad wanted to be with me. He has done, and continues to do so much for me.

I won't lie- Jerrad would be the perfect boyfriend. He's funny, cute, sweet, likes everything that I do, makes time for me, always tells me how much I mean to him, never gives up on me, makes me smile, spoils me too often, helps me even when I tell him I don't need it, and in general just knows me. He knows how to deal with me most of the time. I felt guilty that he was doing so much for me, not realizing that I was a lost cause. I was stuck in a net I had gotten into on purpose.

Just recently, I needed to know the truth from Anthony. I asked him if he still loved me. Plainly and honestly, the only way he is with people, he said he didn't think he ever really did. I instantly felt crushed, betrayed, and sad. I couldn't believe he would use me that way, but to be fair I understand why he did. When he left Tasha, a lot of people turned on him. I didn't. He knew I was going to be there for him, and that it would be easy for me to love him. So we happened. He told me he understood how I felt, trying to help me talk it all out. But I shut him out and eventually he left. I wasn't in the mood. I had just had my heart broken again by another person I loved. I thought it all out from Anthony's point of view, establishing that despite everything, I still cared about him and wanted to be his friend again. Just a friend. I had already lost a best friend this year, and I'm never going to get her back. I couldn't stand the pain of losing another because I had been irrational.

With Jerrad's help, I talked to Anthony later that day. We sorted out the truth of things: It was doomed from the start. We would have never worked. I wanted something he couldn't give me. It got carried away, and things will never be as simple as they used to be. I need to let go of all the hope I ever had of being with him. I need to stop loving him because he is never going to love me. He is still my friend, but he's never going to be anything more than that. He didn't use me- I took it as far as he did, and I helped him when he needed it. But the dream I had of being with him and Tasha is never going to come true.

As far as Jerrad goes, the way things have been happening between us, I will more than likely be with him. Everyone thinks we already are when I tell them all the things we have already done and will be doing together, such as the 3 day vacation in Niagra Falls that we're planning. But, as I told him, I need to heal first. I need to be able to stop thinking about Anthony. I need to stop feeling when I think about the things that happened between us. But I'm always relieved to know that when I get to that point, Jerrad will be there waiting for me. He will not be hard to fall in love with. He is what I need and want. But healing a broken heart is never easy. At least with Anthony, I know he will still be my friend. I won't lose him completely, like I did Tasha.

It's brutal to think about not being with the first man I ever loved. I loved him with all my heart and as with Tasha, that love will always be there. I'm going to miss holding him, touching him, and kissing him. I'm going to miss loving him. But if it's not meant to be, it can't be. He has to go his way, and I need to go mine. Having him as a friend is enough. I look forward to the day where we can just hang out like normal friends do. It's hard now, but this all did work out. I lost a true love, but kept a friend, and have a great person waiting to be with me.

So I'm going to be fine. Time will make this better. I'm not angry, not happy, and am very sad, but I'm also relived. If I had lost Anthony as I friend, I would have died. But I didn't, and I know there are people who love me. That's more than I deserve. Things are simple and straight-forward again. So I am fine.

:)

Amy
 
 
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Current Music: Chiron- All That Remains
 
 
vampirate_23
01 May 2010 @ 02:36 am
Today I did the hardest thing I ever had to do. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. But I did it because I had to.

I let my best friend leave me.

This might come as a shock to anyone who knows me, or her, or us and our 10 year friendship. No one has been more electrocuted than me though. And I should have seen it all coming, because the fault was mine. I broke one of the most beautiful, dearest, most beloved things of my life. And I didn’t even know I had done it until the end.

I held on too tight. I didn’t act like a best friend. I used her as an escape because I couldn’t accept that I was fated to be alone. I didn’t understand her like I should have. I had too many dreams. I expected things I could never have. I didn’t listen. I was trying to be stronger and smarter than I was. I failed in so many ways. I wasn’t looking for the new girl she had become. I was holding on to the one I knew when I was a little girl. I continued to make things worse, not letting her be alone when I should have. I held her back when I should have been letting her go forward on her own. I was selfish and proud and blind. There were so many things I did wrong; it was only a matter of time before she left me.

And I don’t blame her. I’m broken. Something is damaged inside of me. Something I can’t find is missing or rusted, and since I don’t know what it is, I can’t fix it. I have a habit of breaking the things that I love. It’s just a matter of time before I do something wrong. I used to get upset when people left me or abandoned me. Now I know that it’s not about me. So if someone wants to leave, whether me or not, I won’t stop them.

I have a broken heart. I lost some of the best parts of me, parts I won’t get back. I’m never, ever going to be whole again. I’m not going to forget, let go, or stop loving her. It’s physically and emotionally impossible for me to do. When I fall in love with someone, I fall hard. I etch a piece of them into my heart and the only way I can ever truly let them go is if I have my heart cut out of my chest and my memory erased.

My life is so much different than I thought it would be right now. It took me a brutal lesson to learn that I am the reason things go wrong in relationships with those I hold close to me. But I can’t stop being in love. I like the feeling; way too much. I don’t want to be alone. Nobody does. But I make far too many mistakes to be anything else. I deserve to be alone. It’s safer for everyone around me.

None of this is to say that I’m going to abandon or give up on the people I love. I will never do that. I haven’t done that with Tasha, who I know has given up on me and is not going to come anywhere near me again. If I see her on the street in Hamilton, she’ll look at me, but she’ll look straight through me. I’ll just be a stranger to her. I’m afraid of that day, but I know it will happen, and I cannot have any illusions otherwise. But I will never give up on her, never stop loving her. I can make it so she never knows I’m around when I move.

I know this whole thing sounds like a childish, FML emo rant about nothing anyone cares about, but I have no control over my emotions anymore. I’ve tried to restrain myself, keep everything inside and pray that I don’t break down. But it hasn’t been working. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop thinking about the things I’m going to miss with her, the girl I loved for so long and never thought I would lose.

I cannot accept any pity or sympathy for this. I don’t deserve it, and I’m not saying this as a subtle hint that I want any. This is my fault. I’m the one to blame. I am ready to accept the consequences of my actions, and take all of the burn that will come with it. There will be a lot more to come.

I love every person who has stuck by me when I knew I had failed them. You know who you are, and I don’t know why you did it or why you still do. But thank you. I love you. Those words will never be enough, and I wish the feelings in my heart for you could express just how much you mean to me. But I’ll just repeat myself in an attempt. Thank you. I love you.

Amy
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Hurt- Johnny Cash
 
 
vampirate_23
A lot has changed since June when I saw Tasha and Anthony for what really was an incredible week. I'm not tired and thought it would be a good time to just rant about the past, present, and future. And as a matter of fact, Tasha and Anthony are a good place to start.

I was on vacation with my family in BC in August when I went on Facebook and found out some news that totally shook me: After almost 4 years together, Tasha and Anthony had broken up. They agreed to stay friends and are still very close, but they had just changed so much, and just had to go their separate ways. If you're looking for a more in depth answer, too bad because that's all I'm going to give. It wasn't an easy choice for either of them, and everything they said to me is staying between the three of us. I was in total shock, and then it was just devastation. They were the only thing I ever believed in, the only thing I thought would never fail. I spent $80 to talk to Tasha long distance, knowing there was nothing I could do and that she was beyond a wreck.

I was in awful shape myself. I cried a lot more than I'll admit because I never saw it coming and didn't know what to do. Even Tasha had sensed what was coming, but I hadn't. No one was in more shock than me. I went through a lot of stages - shock, disbelief, anger, disappointment, and severe depression - but I never hated Anthony. I never wanted to. Yes, he all but destroyed my best friend, a girl I love more than anything else in my life and would give my own for, but I couldn't hate him, even if I wanted to.

Why, you ask? Because he is a good person. He never would have done what he did to Tasha unless he had no other way to make them both happy, and I know he didn't come to the decision lightly. I had a long conversation with him when I came back from BC, but only because I wanted to hear his side of it. Everyone of Tasha's family and friends were looking down on him, but I knew I couldn't do that, not with everything he had done for Tasha and I. It would take me a long time to list everything so I won't do it, but let's just say I know him well enough to understand that he never deserved the hatred he got from some people.

At the moment, things are picking up for both of them. Anthony's doing very very well in his CGI class, and Tasha is slowly but surely getting back to being herself. It's been a brutal recovery process for her, but I am so proud of how far she's come and how much stronger she is now. She has never ever ceased to amaze me. She never will.

Graphic design school for me has been going pretty well- busy, but I like it. I'm also working as a photographer for Nouveau Riche International Model and Talent, and I can say with little pride or vanity that I'm getting better. I've gotten to work with dozens of models and gotten great advice from professionals. It's been a really great experience and I'll continue with it until the big news, which is coming up right away...

I'm SUPER EXCITED for this New Years because I'll be going down to Hamilton for 10 days to hang out with Tasha and Anthony. I've always wanted to see Toronto and I miss both of them, so we planned out a pretty epic week. Allow me to give you a slight rundown:

• Meeting Tasha and Anthony's friends and family, New Years party at Nathan Phillips Square, shopping in Toronto, MANY photoshoots, clubbing, late night food runs, baking/cooking, brunch-date with Tasha, and one Lord of the Rings marathon. And that's just what I know so far.

The photoshoots will be wild. Let me give you a sneak peek as to what they are:

• Glamour headshots, pin-up shoe fetish, 1920's starlet, wedding in a playground, snow queens (which might be done with a professional make-up artist and a professional photographer), fun winter friend one, and a vampire warrior one. That's all I'm gonna give right now, but don't be alarmed if you learn that more are on the way ;)

As excited as I am for this vacation, and if you know me personally, you know how excited I really am, I'm also really excited for this: My move out of Edmonton.

Allow me to explain and clarify because I'm getting a little tired of people being so shocked and trying to convince me to stay. I'm leaving. It's as simple as that, and these are just some of the reasons why:

• There are more career opportunities for photographers and graphic designers in Toronto and the surrounding areas.
• I have never liked Edmonton. I have met some incredible people here who I will really miss, but this city seems like a dead-end road to me.
• I don't feel safe. This city has shown me how ugly and dangerous it can be, and I don't want to be around that. If you think Toronto is more dangerous than Edmonton, go and check out StatsCan and get proved wrong.
• I feel trapped- simple as I can put it.
• I'm lonely, and tired of being left behind. I know there are people who love me, and I know how much they do. But in the end, I know they'll always be busy and go on without me. I'm not cynical or bitter about it- I want them to be happy. But there's only so much of that a person can take.
• I miss Tasha, and I want to be her room-mate.
• I want to prove to myself that I can take care of myself.
• I want to find someone to love and spend the rest of my life with.
• I want to feel like I'm starting to live my life.

These are some of the major reasons I'm moving in May after I finish school. I'm a bit nervous- I would be a fool not to be- but I'm excited. I want to do this, and I'm very sorry to anyone I hurt. It wasn't what I wanted, and I hope you forgive me and understand that this is what's best for me. I'll be happy when I move. Very happy. I'll get to know what that thing called freedom really feels like. It won't be easy, but I was never one to take the easy road in life.

So, now you're all up to date on everything major that's happened to me recently. I hope you took something away from it. It's gonna be one wild adventure, and I would want it no other way. Until my next bored moment, later gaters!

Amy
 
 
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: Taking Back Control- Sparta
 
 
 
vampirate_23
01 June 2009 @ 09:42 am
 So June is going to be a huge month for me. Really. Allow me to indulge you in the reasons why:

Week 1: My best friend turns 20 (Happy Birthday Kaitlyn! *kisskiss*), work (I'm actually getting shifts now- yay!), and a photography club that I joined.

Week 2: Work, birthday party (at the zoo! Yahoo! Lookie lookie! I made a rhyme!)

WEEKS 3 4: The day after my next photography club meeting, my best friend/sister who I've known half my life and have gone almost 7 years without seeing will be coming down with her boyfriend. They're only staying for a week, which sucks, but I refuse to complain. I'll give you a further breakdown of that week: 
            -Staying overnight at their hotel, I'm modeling for a heavy make-up shoot, West Ed for at least 2 days since she hasn't been there in ages and he's never been at all, Goth fashion shoot I'll be modeling for, Valley Zoo, mock grad shoot (I'll never get to graduate with her),   meeting my best friends Kaitlyn and Kurtis, another photoshoot where Tasha and I will be modeling as Sugar and Spice (think Batman Forever- I think I'll end up being Spice :P), and this is just all the stuff that I know will be happening. The planning is up to them and it doesn't matter what we do really- I just wanna hang out with her again.
 
Week 5: It'll be tough seeing Tasha leave again, but then it'll be lots of work and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

As for July, all I know is that I'll probably be working and doing as many photoshoots as I can. I've got a few ideas I want to try (I've started a book actually :P), and I know one model I worked with wants to do another shoot. I never really update my LiveJournal, but hey, know you know why I probably won't update it for a long time! :P ... Oh you all still love me :P

Anywho, I have to prepare for tonight... as if Friday wasn't epic enough: Star Trek and the first 2 Alien movies XD OMG STAR TREK... KARL URBAN OWNS MY LIFE WITH HIS SEX AND GREATNESS... and we all know that when zombies/aliens try to take over the world, I'm going to have Ellen Ripley on my team, with her grenade launcher/flamethrower/assault rifle and ass kickery. If I don't get her, I'm finding the men who will play Marcus, Cole, and Dom in the GEARS OF WAR MOVIE and giving them Lancers... Baird pisses me off so he can take care of his own ass. 

Until later, peeps!

P.S.: Curse you for not coming along on Friday Kurtis!! It really was epic and awesome and you would have had a blasty! Oh well... I hope you're feeling better! :)


Below are mine and my fav photography sites. Feel free to check them out! Support is a nice thing...

Take my hand, what have you got to lose?Collapse )

 
 
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: Live To Tell The Tale- Nightwish
 
 
vampirate_23
04 March 2009 @ 10:25 pm
So in my super boredom I decided to post some icons I made. There's a great variety, so enjoy!

1-2: Amanda Seyfried
3-4: Angelina Jolie
5-6: Anna Friel
7-9: Evangeline Lilly
10-16: Karl Urban
17: Kirsten Stewart
18: Morena Baccarin
19-20: Lost (Claire and Desmond)
21-27: Harry Potter
28-32: Prison Break
33: Robert Pattinson
34-44: Rupert Grint
45-5: Sarah Wayne Callies
60-70: Watchmen
71-81: Twilight

Preview:

            



Your shadow resumes with meCollapse )

 
 
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: Wish- Nine Inch Nails
 
 
vampirate_23
16 February 2009 @ 07:45 pm
Wow, this is my personal journal and I haven't updated it in like 6 months lol. Been stupidly busy, and sadly I lost time to make the Harry Potter icons I wanted to :( Anyways, I guess I should say that I'm SUPER excited for WATCHMEN in a couple weeks, got a couple photoshoots coming up, gonna meet up with my best friend/sister again and her boyfriend, then possibly going to California! Sweetness!!!

If you're really bored, you can check out my DeviantArt gallery here: no3rdangel.deviantart.com/gallery

Anyways, hopefully I'll put some stuff up more frequently. Later all!
 
 
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: One Thing- Pillar
 
 
vampirate_23
29 July 2008 @ 08:16 pm

So at the suggestion of my beautiful best friend Lady Venom (she's not an LJ girl, but if you haven't checked out her gallery at DeviantArt, DO IT NOW: http://lady666venom.deviantart.com/gallery/), I've officially become a Deviant. That is so much fun to say. I dare you to call yourself a Deviant out loud and not smile... can't do it can you? Anyways, I've loved photogrpahy since I can't remember when and so Lady's suggestion made a lot of sense. I'll try and add as many shoots as I can (most of them will be of people I know) since they're so much fun. Please be respectful of the models and myself, though any constructive criticism is more than welcome and appreciated. Thanks, and have a good time! 

By the way, the teaser for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is now officially out. Check it out here: http://www.moviefone.com/movie/harry-potter-and-the-half-blood-prince/27063/trailer?trailerId=2181231

I'm so hyper today, so now I gotta go find something to do. Talk to you all later! :D

 
 
Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: Master Passion Greed- Nightwish
 
 
vampirate_23
18 July 2008 @ 10:48 am
 I was so relieved when I learned that Frodolyn had already watched the same acts of Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog, even before I did! It was a great relief and I'm so excited about Act 3 going up tomorrow! *squee* Tonight I'm going to see The Dark Knight so as for an update: I've gotten the other half of The Order of the Phoenix caps (thanks you dj_capslock!) so I'll be working on some icons in the very near future. Since I'm so hyped about Act 3, I'm going to go watch Acts 1 and 2 again! :D Come on people, we all know that Captain Hammer/Nathan Fillion is damn sexy in that superhero outfit! ;P
 
 
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: 23- Jimmy Eat World