I've never been in love before. Never had that heartache that comes with it. Never had someone always on my mind, wondering if they were thinking about me, or what my life would be like with them. I've always been a dreamer, but never had those thoughts.
Until I fell in love with Anthony. I can't explain it other than it just happened. My feelings for him must have been suppressed while he was with Tasha, and then when they ended their relationship, my heart just gave in. I talked with him a few days later, and was shocked when he told me he loved me. I told him the same thing, and we kept what we had a secret. We flirted constantly and when I came down in January to see him and Tasha, when I was with him, I expressed my love for him physically. Every touch, every smile, every kiss, every moment was bliss. I didn't think I could have been happier. When I came back to Edmonton, he began warning me not to expect anything from him. I didn't think I could do that because Tasha had left me and I needed someone to love. We acted as friends, not as lovers, but when I came down in May we went through the intimacy all over again. I thought that was what he wanted, but after it happened, he became more distant, telling me that I should stop waiting for something to happen. I never wanted to give up on him, but my heart was starting to hurt. I was getting the feeling that he didn't love me anymore.
I had been hanging out with Jerrad, Anthony's younger brother, frequently since I moved. Jerrad has had a crush on me for a while, but first and foremost he always acted like a friend. He was over at my house one night and we got talking about Anthony and how because of his new job and new life, he seemed to be disregarding the people who loved him the longest. I was getting emotional and eventually I confessed that I loved Anthony. The funny part about this was that it was obvious, not only to Jerrad but to other members of his family as well. Then Jerrad did what any good friend would do. He told me the truth.
He told me that Anthony didn't love me, and never did the way I loved him. He said that I had helped him through his ordeal with Tasha, but I was hanging onto a false hope. It felt like another slap in the face. My heart had been crushed by Tasha, and this was only breaking the pieces more. But I couldn't stop loving Anthony. I was trying, but I couldn't bring myself to give up on him. Anthony was everything I ever wanted. Everything I dreamed about. He was my first true love. But it had been a lie.
I was in a very dark place for a long time. I had tried to say goodbye to Anthony after Jerrad's birthday (which added more to the dramatic situation since I had been drinking and his sister Jen convinced me to kiss Jerrad... twice...), but that had been a waste of time because I just saw him the next day. I said little to him and tried to ignore him, but it didn't work. I became the dark cloud of the group, saying little and looking down all the time. The only person who really knew something was wrong as far as I can tell was Jerrad. He knew this was killing me. I felt awful. I was still in love with Anthony, but I knew that Jerrad wanted to be with me. He has done, and continues to do so much for me.
I won't lie- Jerrad would be the perfect boyfriend. He's funny, cute, sweet, likes everything that I do, makes time for me, always tells me how much I mean to him, never gives up on me, makes me smile, spoils me too often, helps me even when I tell him I don't need it, and in general just knows me. He knows how to deal with me most of the time. I felt guilty that he was doing so much for me, not realizing that I was a lost cause. I was stuck in a net I had gotten into on purpose.
Just recently, I needed to know the truth from Anthony. I asked him if he still loved me. Plainly and honestly, the only way he is with people, he said he didn't think he ever really did. I instantly felt crushed, betrayed, and sad. I couldn't believe he would use me that way, but to be fair I understand why he did. When he left Tasha, a lot of people turned on him. I didn't. He knew I was going to be there for him, and that it would be easy for me to love him. So we happened. He told me he understood how I felt, trying to help me talk it all out. But I shut him out and eventually he left. I wasn't in the mood. I had just had my heart broken again by another person I loved. I thought it all out from Anthony's point of view, establishing that despite everything, I still cared about him and wanted to be his friend again. Just a friend. I had already lost a best friend this year, and I'm never going to get her back. I couldn't stand the pain of losing another because I had been irrational.
With Jerrad's help, I talked to Anthony later that day. We sorted out the truth of things: It was doomed from the start. We would have never worked. I wanted something he couldn't give me. It got carried away, and things will never be as simple as they used to be. I need to let go of all the hope I ever had of being with him. I need to stop loving him because he is never going to love me. He is still my friend, but he's never going to be anything more than that. He didn't use me- I took it as far as he did, and I helped him when he needed it. But the dream I had of being with him and Tasha is never going to come true.
As far as Jerrad goes, the way things have been happening between us, I will more than likely be with him. Everyone thinks we already are when I tell them all the things we have already done and will be doing together, such as the 3 day vacation in Niagra Falls that we're planning. But, as I told him, I need to heal first. I need to be able to stop thinking about Anthony. I need to stop feeling when I think about the things that happened between us. But I'm always relieved to know that when I get to that point, Jerrad will be there waiting for me. He will not be hard to fall in love with. He is what I need and want. But healing a broken heart is never easy. At least with Anthony, I know he will still be my friend. I won't lose him completely, like I did Tasha.
It's brutal to think about not being with the first man I ever loved. I loved him with all my heart and as with Tasha, that love will always be there. I'm going to miss holding him, touching him, and kissing him. I'm going to miss loving him. But if it's not meant to be, it can't be. He has to go his way, and I need to go mine. Having him as a friend is enough. I look forward to the day where we can just hang out like normal friends do. It's hard now, but this all did work out. I lost a true love, but kept a friend, and have a great person waiting to be with me.
So I'm going to be fine. Time will make this better. I'm not angry, not happy, and am very sad, but I'm also relived. If I had lost Anthony as I friend, I would have died. But I didn't, and I know there are people who love me. That's more than I deserve. Things are simple and straight-forward again. So I am fine.